Not my viriginity you perverts!
No, this is the tale of my first pill... and indeed my first visit to a club playing dance music. Previously to this tale, I'd only been to the dodgy indie hole that is the Venue in New Cross, and to tell the truth, only there a couple of times.
Anyway, I was 18 by a few months, and newly at university in my first year. I'd gone to uni as a complete metaller into my death metal, complete with Obituary t-shirt, black jeans, long hair and a biker's jacket. My opinion of "ravers" (the term my indie-kid friends and I used) was formed from seeing groups of little wankers in baseball caps tearing round the streets in Ford Fiestas (or an Xr3i if they could afford it of course) blaring out happy hardcore through the windows and generally giving us shit. And my opinion of ecstacy was it was a "raver's drug", to be equally sneered at
But upon going to uni I got exposed to a whole bunch of different people, some of whom liked dance music, took ecstacy, and perhaps most surprisingly of all... weren't twats! Now by this point I'd taken acid quite a lot and loved that, and speed when it was around... and so the thought of taking ecstacy began to seem appealing. After all, with the exception of dope, I'd loved everything I'd taken so far...
My first night at uni I'd made friends with an American girl named Christie, over here studying for a year before going back to finish her degree at home in Connecticut. Now both her and I had never done a pill, and so we decided we'd try it at the same time, and so when a group of our friends was going out clubbing we went with them. We'd procured a dove which we planned to split (allergic reaction scare stories and all that
), and we were going to somewhere on Charing Cross Road that I can't remember the name of at all now.
So we get the train into London and walk down to the club, and on the way Christie and I decided to drop our half pill then to save any worries about taking it through security. Of course when we all got there a couple of minutes later none of us got into the club due to it having a dress code nobody had realised, and so we ended up standing outside arguing over what to do. Well, some of us were arguing, some of us had no idea what to do at all!
In the end our friend Pamela said that she knew a club down the road, and myself, Christie and another girl George followed her and left the others still arguing on the street. I asked Pamela where we were going and she said, "It's a club called Heaven. I should warn you though, it's a gay night..." Which wasn't something that bothered me, especially having no knowledge of what to expect anyway from a club night.
So we get to Heaven and start queuing and boy is it... gay
The four of us are about the most normal people in the queue - there's queens, transvestities, transexuals, Muscle Maries, the whole rainbow spectrum of the gay world in full force and regalia. And just as we get to the front I can start to feel a bit jittery for some reason...
So the four of us get to the front where where we're confronted by some semi-naked black guy who proceeds to ask us "Are you gay? It's gay only night tonight." Now having got this far our answer is yes, to which he responds "Prove it." Umm, what now? Well thankfully George is bisexual, and used to go out to a well-known gay bar back in Sheffield, and the guy accepts our gay credentials and lets us in...
Now if I'd thought it was gay outside, then inside was a whole new world of gay
The main room was playing house and packed to the brim with sweaty men dancing with each other and, well, other things
I'm sure people have heard tales of Heaven before, but for me it was all very strange... especially seeing as I'm now definitely coming up and feeling a bit odd.
Well the four of us danced for a while and I decide I need to go to the loo so I head out of the main room and walk down the corridor. Midway along the largest black guy I've ever seen walks up, puts his arm around my waist, gives me a squeeze and says "Do you want any pills darling?" to me. Well no I don't need any more pills, and I (politely) say "I'm already sorted, thanks" and scoot off to the loo.
Now I don't know if it's the case any more, but at that time there the urinals (the metal trough-style ones) had a handy mirrored section above them that ran all the way round the room. So I enter the gents and see lots of blokes having a piss and checking each others cocks out
I get to the urinal, unzip myself and then...
Fuck! What the hell has happened to my knob? It's tiny! Nobody had told me about this aspect of pills, and now I'm in a room with a bunch of guys about to have a pee in front of a load of mirrors with the smallest penis in the known world! Let me tell you, that was not one of my most relaxed visits to the toilet ever
Well anyway I get back to the dancefloor and my friends and I'm feeling a bit more relaxed now and getting into things - even the most outrageous things seem ordinary after a while
It gets to around 2 or 3 and I'm having a boogie when the music stops and everything goes quiet.
OK, what's going on now?
Suddenly a drum beat starts from somewhere at the back of the room
dum dum... dum dum... dum dum...
slow and steady, and I can see the crowd starting to part there, leaving a path down the middle of the dancefloor. And as I'm peering across the dancefloor to see what's going on, I see four large, well-oiled black guys wearing nothing but leopard-skin loincloths carrying a sedan chair on their shoulders through the dancefloor. On the sedan chair is this scrawny black guy again wearing a loincloth, but this time dressed up in full voodoo priest regalia - face paint, head-feathers, bone rattle, the lot.
dum dum... dum dum... dum dum...
The bearers carry the chair through the dancefloor, heading towards the stage at the front, and when they get there the priest jumps off and onto the stage. The drums start to speed up...
dum dum dum dum dum dum
The priest starts capering and leaping around, shaking his rattle and spinning in circles.
dumdum dumdum dumdum
Just as both him and the drums reach fever pitch they both stop dead.
WTF?!
The curtains at the back of the stage open, and behind them is a wheel of death (like knife-throwers use). Strapped spreadeagled onto the wheel by his wrists and ankles is a muscled white guy, also oiled and wearing nothing but a loincloth.
dum dum... dum dum... dum dum...
The priest grabs the side of the wheel and starts spinning it round. Round and round the guy on the wheel spins as the priest spins it faster and faster.
dum dum dum dum dum dum
After a bit the priest stops spinning the wheel and the drums drop down a slow, steady beat again, and I'm standing there somewhat bemused thinking
OK, what's next? Well, what's next is that when the guy is hanging upside-down the voodoo priest starts unstrapping him from the wheel; first his wrists at the bottom and then his ankles at the top, and he gets the guy turned around so that he can lock his legs together behind the priest's neck.
So at this point the guy is hanging suspended from the voodoo priest, his face facing away from the priest's body...
dum dum... dum dum... dum dum...
The priest starts turning around on the spot in a cirlce...
dum dum... dum dum... dum dum...
He starts turning faster, and faster...
dum dum, dum dum, dum dum...
Now as it does, once the priest starts spinning fast enough centrifugal force does the same thing and the guy hanging off of him's body starts to rise up...
dum dum dum dum dum dum
As it gets to the right speed the guy is now at right angles to the priest, spinning round in a big flat circle head at the outside face up.
dum dum dum dum dum dum
Suddenly the voodoo priest reaches out, whips off the other guy's loincloth and starts beating him off!
dum dum dum dum dum dum
He's spinning him round, he's beating him off... spinning him round, and beating him off!
dumdumdumdumdumdum
The drums get faster and faster as the on-stage activity gets more and more frenzied and then with a final crescendo of drums the guy suddenly comes, and you see his spunk spurt out and in a big white fountain across the stage and both of them.
The curtains draw back to hide both of them. I'm still standing there like this
A minute later a big black drag queen comes out and starts singing some seventy's gay disco anthem. My face is still something like
After the last... extravaganza... this is nothing
The rest of the night passed uneventfully as I recall and we got home fine in the morning.
That was my first pill, and my first time at a dance club
Yes, I obviously went back for more... although it's never been quite like that again!
.. 
